I finished work yesterday. I could tell you how sad I am that things ended the way they did, how invisible I felt in those last few weeks, how after a year’s work, my last day in the office wasn’t marked by any kind gesture or words of thanks. But I won’t wallow in self-pity. It isn’t healthy or productive. I have started meeting with recruitment agencies and interviews are going well. I am being given some much needed positive feedback and my bruised ego will recover from this. At times such as this, when my confidence has taken a battering and I feel emotionally wobbly, I question everything; who am I? What am I good at? What have I achieved? What do I want to do in life? I need to remind myself of my achievements, my talents and the wonderful life that I have outside of that four letter word; work.
So – on to something much more interesting; communication.
With the end of my contract came the end of the luxury of having a work laptop. I had to return it which means I now have to coax our personal laptop out of the Sticky Man’s hands in the evenings if I want to check my email/FB/blog. I am not joking when I say coax – I literally have to beg to use it for 10 minutes and am scowled at if I am using “his” laptop for longer than the requested time. Up until now, it has not been uncommon for us both to be sitting feet away from each other on the sofa of an evening, glued to our own laptops, occasionally sending each other links to news articles that we find interesting. I am often told by the Sticky Man that if I’d like him to do something like book time off work or take the car in for a service, that I should “send him an email” rather than just asking him. Is this normal?
Don’t get me wrong, the Sticky Man and I talk about things, like what to have for dinner and revel in telling each other about Pepi’s latest tricks (singing “twinkle twinkle little star” is her most recent party trick, if you’re interested) but we rarely sit down and actually “talk” as there always seems to be something to distract one or both of us. I am a talker and a listener and love a good debate, whereas the other half is a thinker, a reflector and is quite happy saying very little. I have suggested having a few nights a week where we don’t use laptops and just talk to each other or read books. This is normally met with a look of incredulous disdain.
In other news, I am nearly at the end of my 6 week sewing course (for absolute beginners) and am feeling less overwhelmed than I was after the first lesson. I have even bought a pattern for a dress for Pepi. The pattern states it is “very easy” but after having to google nearly every second word of the instructions (Naps, anyone? Fusible interfacing?) I am not convinced. I am making the dress out of cheap calico first and will then attempt to make it out of some “proper” material, so watch this space!
June 2, 2010 at 9:59 am |
Hi,
Try to enjoy your time off work, especially with your little lady to keep you busy! Though I fully understand that sometimes going to work is an easier option than staying at home with a determined toddler! (Like you I have a daughter who’s around 20 months).
If it reassures you, my wife and I spend most evenings looking at our laptops. Maybe it’s just a stage of marriage/relationship? My wife seems fairly happy, though she’s always glued to Facebook or something else, but recently I wonder if we actually have a relationship, or just co-habit…. Maybe there’s something in the air but I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want from life at the moment. The thought of living a “new life” is appealing but who knows, the grass probably isn’t greener and there’s always the little one to think of. Someone suggested it’s a mid-life crisis (I’m only 36, and surely too young) – maybe we’re having mid-life panics!
I started writing this to reassure you that you’re not alone in what you’re thinking at the moment – I think life is so hectic we probably just need time to reconnect, all this electronic stuff has changed our lives for the better and the worse!
Take care and good luck with the job hunting!
June 3, 2010 at 1:00 pm |
Embarresed to be a kiwi. That is shoddy. There are no excuses. And now you know why we leave.
June 3, 2010 at 3:32 pm |
Thanks guys – much appreciate your thoughts.
Emissive – don’t be embarassed to be a Kiwi, I still love ‘em, just think I’ve had a bit of bad luck, hopefully things will improve soon!
Simon – yep, I think it’s wise to remember that the grass isn’t always greener but that if there is something you want to do/change you should do it. Are you happy at work? It’s frustrating that I let my job affect my confidence/happiness so much. For some reason, regardless of home and family life, I feel the need find the perfect job and be satisfied at work. Many of my friends don’t seem to need this and are happy being stay at home Mums, but I need that balance.
And yes, I think many couples happily spend their evenings doing their own “thing” – normally I’m quite happy with that, but I guess I have been needing a bit more attention recently.
Cheers again.
June 5, 2010 at 9:09 am |
Hi Peregrine,
Thanks for your thoughts, I’m still in a state of flux, but the weather’s really nice here, so that’s helping a bit!
What kind of job do you really want, you say you need to find a “perfect job”, do you think it actually exists? I have a well paid job, relaxed hours, flexible so i should be happy but I don’t find it rewarding, I don’t think anyone would really notice if I didn’t turn up.
Don’t beat yourself up about wanting a job and not being happy as a stay at home mum! I love spending time with my daughter but I wouldn’t want to stay at home with her all the time, I need some mental stimulation, not just crowd control!
Hope the weather improves in NZ, I heard you’ve had a lot of rain recently – the UK is actually basking in nice sunshine for a change!
Take care, and thanks for writing your blog I find it really interesting and your interaction makes it so much better!